“Oh, sweet little boy, beloved little girl, you are so overwhelmed by life sometimes, I know, by the enormity of it all, by the vastness of the possibilities, by the myriad of perspectives available to you. You feel so pressed down sometimes, by all the unresolved questions, by all the information you are supposed to process and hold, by the urgency of things. You are overcome by powerful emotions, trying to make it all “work out” somehow, trying to get everything done “on time,” trying to resolve things so fast, even trying not to try at all.
You are exhausted, sweet one, exhausted from all the trying and the not trying, and you are struggling to trust life again. It’s all too much for the poor organism, isn’t it? You are exhausted; you long to rest.”
― Jeff Foster
So, now that you’ve got a peek into this scattered brain of mine, it might explain me a little better. Or it might not. I tried. I like to write because it helps alleviate some of the pressure in my head. Which for me personally, is a necessity. When there’s too much pressure in here, I have a hard time functioning. Life stops making sense, I tend to lose sight of boundaries. I spin out. It’s not good.
Having anxiety, depression, and bpd (along with the addiction)… well, it’s a fine line I walk. That pressure’s been mounting again. I’m not sure how much more I can endure. Which is part of the problem. I’ve survived worst moments in my life. In fact, there’s nothing really ‘wrong’. My mind is overloaded and I can’t figure out why. That is probably the worst thing about having poor mental health. Sometimes my brain feels like it’s ripping apart at the seams. For NO reason. Nothing is bad, I am not sad, nothing has gone wrong. Yet my brain feels like it is under siege. It is maddening. There are always 2 sides of me in my head, each fighting for control. That’s already a lot of noise in my head. I have to deal with the war going on inside myself, while still trying to convince the outside world I’m FINE. Mostly because it’s a lot to try to explain, and most people don’t understand. Most days I can handle it.
On the bad days though, I feel quite crazy. I feel like crying… and laughing.. and screaming… and soaring threw the sky… and plunging my body into the depths of the ocean to drown it… and crawling into a deep dark whole hoping it will swallow me.. and sometimes I just want to be by myself, nowhere, nowhere at all. Just by myself somewhere out in this empty darkness just floating around. Like taking a break from the world for a minute, or a decade… and I feel ALL of that in a matter of seconds. In a loop on repeat. Do you know how exasperating that is? It literally feels like I can’t breathe, like there are stones on my chest. Sometimes I feel paralyzed by grief or despair just this utter loss of faith in everything, sometimes I feel extreme rage and I just want to destroy shit. Sometimes I have the overwhelming urge to run, to just point my feet in one direction and just keep going until my body collapses because there’s nothing left. Sometimes I want to self destruct, and just cause pain. *sigh… It’s a lot of pressure to feel all that on repeat.. each time the intensity turning up louder and louder. FOR NO REASON. Everything in life has been pretty great..
Most girls are emotional creatures. I’ve suppressed my emotions for so long, that I’ve learned to be more logical. So when I start to feel this way, I fire up the logic side of my brain. Desperately searching for a way to make sense of all this. It’s a whole lot of trial an error though. Is it this? Or maybe that? I’ve come to the conclusion that it only takes one thing to unravel me. Some tiny seemingly inconsequential thing. Turns out those little moments have years a trauma laced in them, that I’ve been unable or unwilling to work through. I’ve been trying my hardest to keep myself in check in every way I know how. I’ve finally come to the conclusion that I need more help. Life is good, and it makes no sense that I keep falling in this loop anymore. I made to choice to go back to therapy. I have an appointment set. Wish me luck. ❤