“I felt ancient and exhausted. I felt like a prisoner within myself and as if I was just watching a movie that was playing before my eyes. I just wanted all of it to end and disappear; I wanted to disappear”
– J. M. Northup
So.. I cancelled that appointment. I know what you’re thinking.. but I felt it was necessary. It was not a good fit. After she called to reschedule me for the third time (I hadn’t even met the woman yet) I decided this probably wouldn’t be someone I’d get along with. See.. while I am pro-therapy, I firmly believe that finding the right therapist makes all the difference.
So.. then I tried again. Again I searched for someone who would meet my needs. I found another lady who looked promising. After playing phone tag for almost 2 weeks (with no hopes of ever locking down an appointment with her) I decided she also was not the therapist for me. I don’t feel like it should be THIS hard to make an appointment, (and this is BEFORE any mention of my condition, I can’t even imagine how much harder it will be once they know what they’re dealing with).
So.. after striking out not once, but twice.. I again started searching. I decided on a man this time. I still have some unsurety about whether that will make things easier or harder for me. Although he does seem really nice (& has scheduled my first 3 appointments just to ensure I won’t have to wait to be seen). I’m not great at opening up in general. Normally things have to be pried out of me. Even then whatever info they manage to extract is usually the bare minimum, just enough to satisfy them. I’m an adult now though. I am CHOOSING to go to therapy. I have made a firm decision to be open & honest. (I’ve even told all the other “me’s” inside of me (you know, so we’d all be on the same page) & only received a slight bit of resistance). Idk if it’s ‘easier’ to open up to a man or a woman.. or if it will even matter, but I feel like I made the right decision.
But enough about that. That’s not even what I came here to talk about. I just felt obligated to update you on things. You know, accountability?
So.. Like I said in my last post. I’ve decided to go back to therapy because I know I need help right now. My brain has felt completely overwhelmed lately. My world has been spinning too fast. I feel like I can’t breathe. Something is wrong. Something significant. But I can’t explain it.. I know what it is.. But it’s like a thing that I know that I know, but have somehow forgotten.. Like, when you see an actor you recognize in a movie.. but you can’t match his name.. You know exactly who he is.. it’s on the tip of your tongue.. but you still can’t produce a name. The name is just as elusive as what I’m feeling. It’s there. I can feel it. Something is wrong.. but I can’t quiet name this thing that’s causing me pain.. It’s there, on the tip of my tongue.. but my brain won’t stop spinning long enough for me to put the words together.
It’s an odd feeling.. being stuck in this feeling. This feeling that has lost words. This feeling that is without explanation. This feeling that has left me riddled with emotions that are too intense to handle. Do you know how impossible I feel? Wandering lost between this land of life & responsibilities.. and this land of empty surrealness. Some days I feel solid.. some days I feel transparent. Some days I feel invisible.. some days I feel everyone’s eyes on me. Some days I feel genuinely happy & in love.. some days I feel deeply depressed & contemplate not being part of the world anymore. My life makes little sense to me.
My train has de-railed. Give me a moment to gather myself please..
Sometimes I get myself so worked up that my brain sort of glitches. Like.. it gets stuck. Like on a word, or a phrase, or an image.. and it just sort of repeats, non-stop, getting faster & faster. —> Like, imagine those torture scenes where they’re trying to make someone talk by replaying the same annoying song/video over, and over, and over, and over.. <— THAT is my brain when it glitches.. with one word, over & over.. one phrase, over & over.. one image, over & over..
Okay, crises averted.
So.. what I was trying to say, before this thing hijacked my brain, is that I haven’t been feeling quite like myself lately. It’s okay though.. really.. I’ve played this part enough to know my lines. Living dead girl. I don’t feel much like myself, but I know who I’m supposed to be. So I can manage. To be honest, some days I don’t even feel quite real. Like I’m just hitching a ride inside someone else’s body. Like, they welcome my thoughts & opinions, but I’m powerless in their ultimate decisions. Then some days I feel like I’m 2 entirely different people trying to be stuffed inside the same body. One being weak and pathetic, the other strong and unyielding. They hate each other & are struggling to break free of one another. And then some days I feel entirely too real, too aware.. resulting in extreme anxiety & panic. Making my heart beat so hard it feels like it’s trying to rip itself out of my chest. Do you understand how impossible I feel?
Bottom line.. I. Need. Help. I can’t control these rapidly rampant feelings on my own.